Foods I've Never Eaten

As I was preparing my kids' dinner tonight it occurred to me that I've never had a fish stick in my life. I had a pretty typical childhood except for the fact that I was a picky eater and didn't eat many different foods growing up so I have many foods that I've never tried (and don't particularly want to now) that most people have.

Another factor in my void of foods is that we didn't have prepared or boxed foods as I was growing up (for instance, I had never had mac and cheese until after college) . In the past couple of months my mother has remarked to me a couple of times how shocked she is there is that much packaged food in the grocery store (she buys it now to send to my brother in Afghanistan).

Unlike most kids in college I always had money because I worked 3 jobs in college. So I never had those cheap foods that most people who went to college get nostalgic for.

So I thought I would compile a bit of a list here and you, the dear reader, can try to talk me into trying one of the items on the list. So here goes:

1. Fish sticks
2. Hungry Man or other type of frozen meal (excluding those Bertolli pasta things)
3. Cup o'Noodles
4. Ramen
5. Tuna fish, I've had tuna, I'm not sure the stuff in the can is tuna
   
6. Dinty Moore beef stew
7. Hamburger Helper
8. Any canned vegetables (excluding corn)

I'm not sure if this list is normal for someone my age or not. But, Stella has been consistently shocked at what I grew up eating and the list of foods I've never had. If I had made this list 10 years ago it would include olives, mushrooms, virtually any food from the middle aisles of the grocery store.

If you have a hankerin' for getting me to eat any of the above 8 foods, make your case in the comments.

A True Happy Hour

So it's early Saturday evening about 4 and Stella and I are sans kids and hungry. We thought it might be nice to try and find a happy hour and have a small dinner. I knew that Tomfooleries had a good happy hour and I seemed to remember that it was good on Saturday. A quick internet search confirmed that Tomfooleries does indeed have a rocking good happy hour on Saturdays (and everyday from 4-7) with 9 small plates for $2.95.

On this occasion the drinks didn't really matter because we were mainly after a bit of a snack before we caught a movie. We were able to grab the last table in the bar area, though there were several seats at the bar. As we were trying to decide what to order we were treated to that evening's Tomfooleries entertainment, two jackasses sitting at the next table discussing a fantasy baseball draft in 1997. Despite the annoyance we were able to come up with and place our order. We were going to split an order of jalapeno poppers, Stella was going to have the southwest chicken eggrolls (I was so close to ordering those for the raspberry habanero sauce) and I was going to get the fish and chips.

Stella makes fun of me because I order fish and chips a lot and I'm usually disappointed in the fish (similar to my sweet potato fries dilemma). Typically the fish ends up overcooked and ends up being dry and chewy and I have trouble choking it down. I'm happy to report that Tomfooleries fish and chips were nearly perfect. The batter was tasty, well fried and not greasy. The fish was cooked perfectly, it was juicy, flaky and tasty. Just. Stellar. I haven't kept a spreadsheet rating my fish and chip experiences like Jason Preu but I'm pretty sure that Tomfooleries has the best fish and chips in the city. I should also mention that the chips were waffle fries and they were quite tasty as well. They were perfectly seasoned and didn't need any ketchup or anything. Probably the best waffle fries I've had (though I try to avoid waffle fries).

Stellas southwest eggrolls were equally fabulous. The raspberry habanero sauce was put on each eggroll very subtly so that you just had a hint of the sauce with each bite. I prefer that method to getting a cup full of sauce and dipping each bite. Then all you're doing is using the eggroll as a sauce delivery tool. This way the sauce was a flavor enhancer, not a flavor killer.

The jalapeno poppers were probably the worst thing we had, though that is not insulting to the poppers. They were quite good but they were prepared in the way that I don't like. They only have one side of the jalapeno, so it's not really a stuffed jalapeno, it's just a jalapeno boat. I know that they are much hotter with both sides of the jalapeno, but I enjoy the burn. I also would have like the raspberry habanero sauce to dip my poppers in, but was instead given ranch dressing. I'm not a fan. On the whole the poppers were about average.

But, with 3 beers and 3 small plates we got out of our happy hour meal for under $20 with tip. True, we drank Miller Lites, but that is still a pretty good deal for 2 people to eat. Plus, we really enjoyed our little meal which is a plus. I've been hungry for those fish and chips every meal since which is my sign of a really great meal. I don't think this is a happy hour that can be beat south of the River Market (Harry's County Club).

Happy Hour Food . . . $2.95
Peanut Butter Fried Chicken Sticks
Quarter Pound Cheese Burger with Caramelized Onions & Instead Sauce
Fish & Chips with Tartar Sauce
Southwest Chicken Eggrolls with Raspberry Habanero Sauce
Grilled Thai Chicken Sticks
Jalapeno Poppers stuffed with Cream Cheese
Ballpark Cheese Nachos
Pepperoni Pizza
Fried Mozzarella with Marinara
Jalapeno & Cheese Stuffed Pretzel

Sweet Potato Fries

Not to sound like Seinfeld or anything but what's the deal with sweet potato fries? I just got done eating some from Cosentino's and was not impressed. They were real soggy and didn't have much flavor. But, I don't recall ever having really good sweet potato fries. And I've tried a lot of different ones.

I'm a fan of the sweet potato and typically go with the sweet potato option if it's offered. I prefer a baked sweet potato to a baked potato and I enjoy mashed sweet potatoes with a little cinnamon, butter and sugar to regular mashed potatoes. I'm not that big of a fan of fries in general and am always looking for an alternative if I know the fries aren't anything north of really good. So I tend to get sweet potato fries a little more than the average person, and they're rarely any good.

Usually, there is the sogginess factor which results in more flaccid sticks than a soccer game at a nudist colony. I think maybe sweet potato fries need to be fried at a higher temperature than regular fries. Do most restaurants that offer sweet potato fries fry them in the same fryer as regular fries? I suspect that is true.

But even if you get some good solid crunchy on the outside moist on the inside sweet potato fries there is the condiment situation. I don't think you should dip them in ketchup, though you can. But what can you dip them into? They get to be a little dry if not dipped in something. Barbecue sauce can also be employed since barbecue restaurants often have sweet potato fries. But that doesn't seem right either. The flavors just don't work well together. What do we do? Does someone need to invent some sort of dipping sauce for sweet potato fries?

I'm getting tired of ordering sweet potato fries and being underwhelmed. I'm probably going to have to put sweet potato fries on the same rule as regular fries, only get them if I know they are above average. I look forward to the sweet potato condiment to sweep the world resulting in it sitting next to the ketchup and mustard on every table. Until that time though I'm probably going to continue being disappointed by my sweet potato fries.

Classic Brrrr: Shatto Ice Cream

After several months of checking my local grocer's freezer, I made a stop at another store and found myself some Shatto Ice Cream. I believe it's been available since the Summer, but I was only able to strike gold recently at the Cosentino's Price Chopper at 119th & Metcalf.

It's pretty fantastic stuff. Like their milk bottles, each flavor has it's own signature word printed on the carton. Chocolate features "Brrrr" to Vanilla's "Classic." Shatto's website states that a strawberry variety will also be hitting store shelves before long.

The ice cream tastes very fresh, and each pint carton has a hand written expiration date on the bottom. Coming only in pint form, I don't think there will ever be an issue of these approaching expiration in my home. On the flavor side, I believe the chocolate is far superior to the vanilla, but that just might be my own person preference. The vanilla would be great to mix with some homemade toppings or fresh fruit...maybe use it in a root beer float if Shatto's root beer milk doesn't already get you there.

While I say the vanilla would be good with toppings, I'm very happy that Shatto avoided the topping-filled ice cream that saturates the current market. Most of the time I eat other ice creams, I find myself digging for the topping spots because the ice cream itself tastes horrible. With the offerings from Shatto, you're getting quality ice cream that you can enjoy however you see fit. If you need help making homemade ice cream toppings, I recommend you look into a Slap Chop. You're going to love Vince's nuts.

Shatto Root Beer Milk

I love root beer. I drink it whenever it's offered except for those occasions a brewpub brews their own root beer, I choose beer 10 times out of 10. But that is the only exception. I love root beer dum dums, root beer barrels candy and root beer floats. When I heard that Shatto makes a root beer milk I was immediately intrigued.

I got my chance to try Shatto's root beer milk this morning. Someone brought donuts into the office and I thought some milk would go perfect with a donut. So I walked over to Cosentino's market and picked up a pint. My plans to enjoy a donut with my milk were quickly dashed when I got pulled into a meeting right when I arrived back at my desk. I took my root beer milk with me.

I took my first drink as I sat down in the meeting room and was immediately impressed. It was everything I'd hoped it would be. I felt like dancing. The root beer flavor wasn't overpowering it was nearly perfectly balanced. I felt like telling everyone in the meeting that I was drinking the best pint of milk I've ever had in my life, but I bit my tongue. I only told the person sitting next to me.

Now I think Shatto needs to concentrate on perfecting the grandest dream known to man, a stout milk. That's about the only milk that could top root beer milk. I guess I'll settle for trying banana milk and getting my fill of root beer milk in the meantime.

Liver Sacrifice Vol. 1

Because I love our readers, I am willing to consume new products so you don't have to. Sometimes I do this on purpose. Other times, I'm just assed out. This is one of those times...

While on the hunt for some Boulevard Imperial Stout, I came across a local beer I had yet to partake of...Weston Brewing Leapin' Leprechaun Ale. They market it as the St Patty's Day Brew. Apparently that's the only marketing they were willing to do as they make no mention of it on their website or include any information regarding alcohol content or poison control contact numbers on the packaging or bottle.

I'm not even sure how to characterize this beer for you. The scent is something like burnt sugar. The taste, as my wife said, "It's like water with a hint of piss." I'm not used to drinking urine like she is, so I can't fully backup that statement, but I am glad that the beer is incredibly light and good for chugging. I only have two left from the sixer and will likely save them for the next BYOB party I go to and leave them in the fridge. BYOB parties are second only to cash bars at weddings in d-bag hosting practices.

I Eat Lard with a Side of Bacon and Like It!

Let's start this out with some stats, I could probably lose 15 pounds yet I weigh about 75 pounds more than I did 8 years ago. My cholesterol is a solid 139, I have a normal blood pressure. I'm about as healthy as someone who has been to a gym less than 10 times in his life can be. So I may be a bit biased as I write this because I don't really have to worry about it.

When I first found the list of 20 worst foods of 2009 I knew I was going to write about it. But I didn't have a good hook on it. My thoughts kept going to the solid point that you shouldn't eat at Chili's. And that is a solid point, Chili's sucks. But I didn't have much more than that. Then I started to think about all those foodie blogs with their high and mighty tones about foods that list every ingredient in their titles like a mango infused margarita marinated chicken with lime cilantro rice which does sound good. But, I'm not going to eat something like for lunch. Every day. Are you?

So this list started to annoy me a little bit. Kind of this paternalistic why would you eat Stacked and Stuffed Caramel Banana Pecan Hotcakes. My question would be why wouldn't you want to eat Stacked and Stuffed Caramel Banana Pecan Hotcakes even though it does actually list all of the ingredients in its title? The list includes several items, as Fat City pointed out, that list nutritional info prominently in the store. So what's the problem? Surely we can mix in some mango infused margarita marinated chicken with lime cilantro rice with a Macaroni Grill Primo Chicken Parmesan. You can't eat at Michael Smith's or 1924 Main everyday.

Every once in a while it's comforting to blow your daily calorie count if you even care. You want to eat what tastes good and I don't care how refined my taste gets, I'm going to enjoy some extra crumbs from Long John Silvers every once in a while. That's why these lists piss me off, because they take some of the enjoyment out of eating something that tastes good.

Let's take the chain food out of it. Stella and I went to Mama's a couple of weeks ago. I got the deep fried french toast. I know that it wasn't the healthiest meal in the world, but it was damn tasty. If Mama's was a national chain that french toast would be on this list. But because it's local and beloved it escapes any kind of wrath, in fact, it's a bit like Ricky Vaughn who didn't do anything good, he just did it colorfully.

What this list has done is enable all high and mighty food bloggers and foodies to look down their noses and scold us for eating bad food that is bad for us. And it's easy to make fun of Chili's (which sucks btw) and the like. But it's pretty hard to turn down a Smokehouse Bacon Triple-The-Cheese Big Mouth Burger with Jalapeno Ranch Dressing when offered. I saw Chimpotle eat something called the Widowmaker at ChefBurger. It's called the widowmaker because it's bad for you and, incidentally, dangerous for bystanders. It's got a friggin' fried egg on it. There is no way in the world it is better for you than the SBTTCBMBwJRD from Chili's, but the foodie would celebrate the widowmaker and insult the SBTTCBMBwJRD. Not only that but they would do it without ever tasting the SBTTCBMBwJRD.

So basically, this list is a warning to avoid Chili's (a fine point), Macaroni Grill, Outback, On the Border, TGIFriday's etc.. That's an okay point, but for all the fat and calories in the dishes listed, any number of local joints pack the same punch in their entrees. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Ultimately, you're responsible for what you eat. There is nothing wrong with mixing in some Paddy O'Quigley's fish and chips (a guilty pleasure of mine) with your regular Cosentino's lunch salad.

This whole thing reminds me of my other favorite type of scold. The scold that feels they are superior because they don't watch TV. Do you know how stupid that is? Why would you intentionally shun one source of information and entertainment and then feel superior for doing it? That's the way I feel about food. Variety is the spice of life and knowing cheap, quickly prepared food is just as important as knowing fine ingredients cooked with care. As with everything moderation is key. I'm not saying you should intentionally subject yourself to substandard fare like Chili's, but eat what you enjoy. If you enjoy Chili’s Buffalo Chicken Fajitas with The Works (Ranch Dressing, Guacamole, Sour Cream, Cheese, and Pico de Gallo + 4 tortillas) eat it, but eat it in moderation.

There is no right and wrong in food, everyone enjoys something different. Celebrate what you enjoy and be willing to try something new. If you do that you will be 50% better than anyone who calls themselves a foodie.

Whopper Sacrifice

Guess what I had for lunch today. Well I had my free Whopper for sacrificing 10 Facebook friends. I wish I could say it was worth it. While I didn't think anything of the Facebook friends I sacrificed, I was equally unimpressed with the second Whopper of my life. There won't be a third. Those things suck!

K(F)C Hot Wings

I feel the need to do this public service announcement to anyone not already wise enough to avoid eating at KFC. After my 100th viewing of the sauceless hot wing commercial and my wife being limited to bed rest, I made the improper decision to stop at KFC for dinner and settle in for the AFC Championship game on Sunday.

If there is one thing KFC's sauceless hot wings need, it's sauce to cover up their wretched flavor. Frankly, I couldn't even tell I was eating a hot wing until the following day, when a little sauce as lubrication would have been much appreciated.

Dame of Cakes

So, my laptop broke last week and I’ve been using Stella’s. I noticed in the emails her friend Carey had sent a picture with the subject line of “My NBC Cake” (which is kind of a funny sentence for a Wichitan to read because we associate cake with ABC, but that’s a whole ‘nother story). So I looked at it expecting a cake with a peacock or NBC on it somewhere. Instead it just looked like some kind of fancy store bought cake covered in fondant.

A little later in the evening Stella told me about the NBC cake (which I think should be called the KSHB cake, but whatever). Apparently Carey had made this cake for her friend Brett Anthony to give to Christa Dubill (click here to see more cakes) for her birthday. And while she was there dropping it off or something (to be honest I was only half listening, Anthony Bourdain was on), Jasper Mirabile from Jasper’s was taping his weekly segment and he saw and liked the cake. He liked it so much he decided to commission a cake for her to do. It turns out that Duff from Ace of Cakes actually turned down the offer to make this cake (I don’t know why).

So anyway as Christa Dubill writes, Carey does take orders casually and is booked through March (incidentally she’s booked doing my girls’ 4th birthday cakes). But from the looks of it she does a great job. I have eaten some of her other culinary creations and enjoyed them. This is all very interesting to me because 1. she’s one of Stella’s best friends 2. I know her well enough to lie to her every time I speak to her and 3. I had no idea until last night that she made and decorated cakes.

Free Donuts

No, you're not stuck in one of Chimpotle's wet dreams, Krispy Kreme really is giving one free donut per customer tomorrow.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts’ Inauguration Day promotion on Tuesday, January 20, 2009, is offering one, free doughnut of a customer’s choice at participating Krispy Kreme locations nationwide. No purchase is necessary. The promotion allows customers to commemorate Inauguration Day by selecting one free doughnut of any variety at local participating stores. On Election Day, November 4, 2008, Krispy Kreme ran a promotion that provided customers with one free star-shaped doughnut at stores nationwide. The Inauguration Day promotion is not about any social or political issue.

I like how they specifically point out that the promotion has no social or political value whatsoever. It just warms my heart. Unlike when Chik-fil-a gives away chicken sandwiches, Krispy Kreme doesn't have long lines. So it's really worth the 2 minutes it takes to drop by and grab a donut.

Raccoon: It's What's for Dinner

I must say that I've never had raccoon on my animal meat eating bucket list. But apparently it's quite the popular meat in KC.

In five minutes, Montrose, Mo., trapper Larry Brownsberger is sold out in the lot at 39th Street and Kensington Avenue. Word has gotten around about how clean his frozen coon carcasses are. How nicely they're tucked up in their brown butcher paper. How they almost look like a trussed turkey ... or something.

His loyal customers beam as they leave, thinking about the meal they'll soon be eating.

That is, as soon as the meat is thawed. Then brined. Soaked overnight. Parboiled for two hours. Slow-roasted or smoked or barbecued to perfection.

Raccoon, which made the first edition of "The Joy of Cooking" in 1931, is labor-intensive but well worth the time, aficionados say.

"Good things come to those who wait," says A. Reed, 86, who has been eating raccoon since she was a girl.

"This right here," she says, holding up a couple of brown packages tied with burlap string, "this is a great value. And really good eatin'. Best-kept secret around."

Raccoons go for $3 to $7 - each, not per pound - and will feed about five adults. Four, if they're really hungry.

Those who dine on coon meat sound the same refrain: It's good eatin'.

I hate raccoons. When I was an apartment dweller in north Overland Park I had a raccoon problem. They would congregate at night about 20 feet away from my door with their glowing eyes waiting for me to leave the apartment so they could feast on my supple skin. They had actually ripped up the lattice work under my step so they could hide under there. I actually cheer a little bit when I drive by the old place (near Metcalf and I-35) and see a raccoon roadkill.

If I had known I could trap them, skin them and sell them then, I might be in a different line of work than I am today. Raccoon meat is apparently quite lean like rabbit. But unlike rabbit it takes quite a bit of work to make it taste good including brining and slow cooking.

I'm up for eating any kind of meat and I can attest that raccoons have a lot of meat on them. They're the size of small dogs donchaknow. I just don't want to be backed into a corner by a raccoon, a dead one wrapped in butcher paper is fine by me.

Mucho Macho Nacho

I love nachos. Stella loves nachos. Everyone loves nachos. These are my nachos, the ones I make on a weekly basis especially during football season. Because of Stella and my varying love of the spicy heat I have to make them half and half. But nachos are a pleasing meal for everyone.

It really is a simple meal to put together. I fry up about a pound of ground chuck, some yellow onion and one diced jalapeno and once the hamburger is brown I put in some Vard mexican seasoning and a 1/4 cup of water and let it simmer (if you want some extra protein mix in a can of black beans). You can use the packets of mexican seasoning you buy at the grocery or Penzey's Mexican seasoning, we just prefer a freshly made mix.

I use to use the whole sheet pan to line up the chips (You've got to use some thick chips, we use On the Border chips) but now I like to stack and make a little volcano out of them. Once I have a nice bottom layer of chips I cover them with about half the meat mixture. Then on my side of the nachos I sprinkle one diced jalapeno*. Then sprinkle on some diced tomato and cover the layer with about 2 cups of a cheddar colby jack mix of cheese. Then repeat with another full layer of chips, meat, 'penos, 'matoes and cheese. If you have some green onion now's the time to chop some up and sprinkle it on top with any leftover jalapenos and tomatoes.

*For you people that are from KC, I'd like to inform you that if you go to a grocery store anywhere south of KC, jalapenos are fresh and plentiful. It really is a disgrace what kind of jalapeno selection we can get in the grocery store in KC. Jalapenos are not supposed to be soft and wrinkly like XO's penis.

You pop that in a 350 degree oven and wait. Once all the cheese is melted in the middle pull them out. In the Vard household we have what we call "nacho spoon" to scoop out servings of nachos (in reality "nacho spoon" is an old slotted spoon that came with a Fry Daddy I bought in college). You pile a glob of sour cream on your plate and eat away. It's a fine meal, not particularly healthy, but a fine meal especially when you consider it costs about $5 to make.

I made a batch for my fantasy football draft this year and used 4 jalapenos and 2 serranos. That was the hottest batch I've made, I was sweating all through the draft. It was worth it since I won my league again, the second year in a row. Sometimes you get a real hot batch of jalapenos and your nachos turn your mouth to fire, it's fun to find out. When you use fresh ingredients you can't be sure of what their taste is going to be.

No Luck in Potluck

I hate potluck lunches. My work team insists on having a potluck lunch every month for one reason or the other. Everyone on our floor knows about it and this prompts them to bring food as well. This is always the worst day of the month for me.

These lunches always, ALWAYS have 8 varieties of prepared salads; macaroni, jello, potato et. al. There is never NEVER anything fresh or simply prepared. Everything comes in the form of a casserole, otherwise known as the Greatest Generation's revenge. A quick test of the goodness of a casserole would be, when was the last time you ordered a casserole at a restaurant? Never! No one has! Yet that is what a potluck lunch or dinner will get you, a whole lotta 'role.

Also, the foods never go together. We will have macaroni salad, taco meat and couscous. I just gagged thinking about it. And what's worse, people will eat all the items together on their paper plate. I know I've eaten a pretzel bread Hotzi and an Angry Whopper (and liked it) but I wasn't eating food that didn't go together.

Have you ever been to a buffet where the food wasn't labeled? That's what a potluck lunch is. You have no idea what's in that casserole dish. If I were to ever scoop out some of that casserole and take a bite out of a black olive I would throw up. Immediately. On someone. That's not good eats. Why do we subject ourselves to this?

Plus, I have no idea what's going on in these people's kitchens. I know these people, I'm close to these people and I have no desire to have them touching my food before I eat it. I'm sure that it probably won't hurt me, after all a little bacteria is good for you. But, I damn sure am not going to take my chances on a cat owner's tuna salad.

I also don't want to spend $10 to bring some kind of food to one of these things and then have to eat the crap that is served. I'd much rather go out to lunch and spend my $10 on a nice lunch eating a well thought out, well prepared meal. These potluck things make no economic sense.

There is no luck in potluck. All you get is poorly presented food that is not very well prepared. This sucks, I'm going to lunch.

Perturbed Whopper

I've eaten at Burger King less than 10 times in my entire life. I think in those dining experiences I've had 1 Whopper. The last time I went to Burger King was to get the steakhouse burger, which wasn't good enough for me to ever go back for a second one. I remember not really liking the Whopper either but I was on a lunch break from a fantasy baseball auction draft and I was trying to come up with a plan to buy the Giambi brothers (incidentally this occurred the day after the famous Cowbell sketch was on SNL, amazing what one remembers).

So when I saw the commercials for the Angry Whopper while watching football last weekend I thought that that's a burger I can get behind, even if it's at Burger King. I finally got my chance to get one on my work from home day (since there is no fast food hamburgers in downtown). I drove over to the BK at 76th and Metcalf near the Bull E. Vard mansion to grab my burger.

As I pulled into my parking spot* I noticed a BK worker wandering around on the sidewalk probably grabbing a smoke. I also noticed a large box with a BK bag sitting next to it sitting in the handicapped parking place less than 5 feet away from that sidewalk. As I got out of the car the BK kid walked back inside leaving the trash in the parking lot. I thought to myself, this is what kind of establishment I'm entering, one where the employees don't care enough to keep clean. I was tempted to tell the manager about the employee's malfeasance. But I had bigger fish to fry.

*I don't go to drive-thrus, I like to look people in the eye when I order. I think that if these minimum wage people look in my baby blue eyes they will think twice about doing anything to my food. I also like to keep my eyes on them. Stella makes fun of me all the time for going into the store.

The guy who took my order looked like the Shamwow guy with microphone and everything. At $4.19 the Angry Whopper is a little expensive for a fast food burger but I thought it would probably be worth it. They also sell double and triple Angry Whoppers, I think I saw a punch card where you get a free angioplasty with the purchase of 5 triple Angry Whoppers.

I brought my Angry Whopper home and opened it up to take the tomatoes out. As I did, I noticed a real lack of jalapenos, maybe 3 or 4 sliced ones didn't seem to angry to me. The burger had about 8 or 10 pretty thick onion strings, which according to the marketing had been whipped while growing, much like Bing Crosby's kids. Everything was covered by a pepperjack type mayo.

The first bite I had had no anger at all. It didn't even seem spicy. But it tasted good and tasting good goes a long way. On bites where I got all of the components; meat, Crosby onion, jalapeno and pepperjack, I was pleasantly surprised. Unfortunately there were only 2 or 3 of those bites. On bites without all the components the meat and mayo carried enough flavor to be enjoyable but wasn't very angry.

I may have gotten a badly put together burger, but overall it was pretty good. I'm certainly willing to take a shot again and maybe I will get double the amount of jalapenos I got this time, which I'm sure will take the Angry Whopper from pretty good to great and from perturbed to actually angry.

Calling All Bottles

Attention Shatto Milk drinkers, Shatto is currently having some bottle supply issues. They are experiencing some delays with getting new bottles created and need you to return your empties for re-use. The especially need the quart-sized bottles, so head to the store and turn yours in, unless you don't want your deposit money back for some reason.

Shatto Milk Company is a small, family owned and operated, dairy farm located just north of the Kansas City metropolitan area. Our family has been farming here for more than 100 years and began a dairy farm more than 60 years ago. In June 2003 our family began processing our own milk on the farm. We decided to bottle our own milk for the purpose of providing our customers with the freshest and best tasting dairy products possible.

Shatto Milk Company products can be described by one simple statement that we have adopted as our motto, MILK AT ITS FINEST. Our family goes to great lengths to insure that the products we sell are truly the freshest and best tasting. (read less)

The Proof is in the Provel

My first experience with Provel cheese was during my bachelor party. It was late on the first night, I was pretty drunk on the Landing in St Louis and was jonesing for something to eat. The group decided some pizza would be good, so we stopped and ordered one. The pizza comes out, and I grab a piece as fast as I can. Once that first bite hit the roof of my mouth...I spit it out and thought I was going to hurl. My buzz had been replaced with an uneasy stomach and that first night was officially over. Over the course of the following two days, there were a number of things in or around my mouth I regret, but St Louis-style pizza was the one thing burned into my mind.

Today, I made only my second ever attempt at eating a pizza with Provel cheese on it. For those who don't know, Provel is a processed cheese made out of a blend of provolone, swiss and cheddar. You can find it shredded or in large blocks looking something like Velvetta...except it's white. When it melts down, it's becomes a runny mess. It was that runny texture that hit my mouth during the bachelor party and had me dry heaving. It definitely has a place in the Top 10 worst food-related items I have put in my mouth. Seriously, look at that picture above. It looks like ejaculate is a featured topping, which might explain why people from St Louis (and Bull E Vard) enjoy it so much.

At lunch today, I tried at Leo's Pizza in the Northland, who uses Provel as their featured cheese. Knowing what I was in for made the experience a bit easier to swallow. Still, who enjoys eating this crap? The cheese just sticks to your teeth and it gives you that mucusy feeling like if you drank a big glass of milk while having a head cold.

Cosentino's Downtown Market

Like everyone else who spends a lot of time in downtown KC, I've been looking forward to the opening of the Cosentino's Downtown Market. But, not only because it was a grocery store near work, but because it was a Cosentino's. When I worked on the Plaza, I loved the Cosentino's Brookside Market for it's varied selection of ready to eat food. So my expectations couldn't have been higher for the Downtown Market. I'll let Owen describe the store for you.

Walking in, the first thing you notice is that you're standing in a large open area devoted to ready-to-eat foods. There's sushi from Kaiyo, a pasta station, a truly impressive salad bar that stretches well beyond the advertised 20 feet and a bakery case filled with goodies from local makers like Coca Dolce, and homemade gelato.

This is by design, owner John Cosentino told me. "We knew our crowd would be more urban, quicker on the go. People that don't eat in as much. They can come in and get something here in minutes that's just as delicious as something made at home." Store manager Mark Lenz later added, "We anticipate a lot of our day business will be office workers... our floral section is expanded and at the front of the store so you can get your secretary or boss something over lunch."
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On the south side of the store is a full liquor selection. In addition to having more wines, Lenz said he purposely stocked a lot of single can beers like Chimay and Young's Double Chocolate Stout. "I understand there's beer geeks just as there are wine geeks. I'm not one of them but I know what they look for and we try to have that."

I made my way over there at about 11:15 to grab some lunch with some coworkers. I believe that every other downtown worker was in the store at the same time. I had to decide which line I was going to stand in; the deli sandwich, the brick oven pizza, the warm prepared meal (such as fried chicken and sausage and peppers), the regular deli, the salad bar, the sushi bar or the olive bar. Luckily it wasn't time for dessert or I would have had to choose from the gelato counter or the chocolates (which I had to look to see if Christopher Elbow was selling his chocolates in the market, he's not, but these chocolates are just as artistic).

I decided upon the deli sandwich stand where I was going to get a panini. As I got in line I took a long gander at the grill where a guy was grilling some pitas and meat on a flat-top grill. He was preparing gyros and trying to drum up some business. I asked what the meat was and he said beef/lamb combo, which made me instantly want some. So I lucked out that I didn't have to wait to get a 'wich. The guy asked if I liked it spicy, which I answered in the affirmative. He put some sort of green pesto on the meat, then added tomatoes (which I had to pick off later) and onions and drenched it in the cucumber sauce. I was a little worried that it was too covered in white sauce but it turned out to be the right amount. He told me I was going to like it so much that I would be back tomorrow.

I went up to a cashier and paid (approximately $6.50) and walked back over to the office. I sat down in my floor's little lunch area overlooking Cosentino's and started in on my gyro. From the first bite I was hooked. Aside from looking like Chimpotle on his prom night from all the white sauce on my mouth, it was a nearly perfect little gyro. It may have had a couple too many onions on it, it may not have, your mileage may vary. But it was a quality item that I think I will enjoy again tomorrow.

It may be tough to go back to the gyro because there were so many items that caught my eye. A coworker brought back some fried chicken (which I used to enjoy from the Brookside Market). Another coworker got one of the paninis and really enjoyed it. The sushi looked good to me as well, I think I'll probably have a spicy crab roll at some point this week. We downtowners now have some choices.

I know that the downtown residents are licking their chops waiting to drop by on their way home from work. The downtown workers sure did their part today in keeping the Downtown Market open for a long time. But most of all Cosentino's did their part today in keeping the Downtown Market open. It was truly a wonderful experience.

Angry Whopper

Thanks to the wonders of actually watching live TV, I found out what I'm having for dinner tomorrow night, the Angry Whopper. I love me a burger with some jalapenos on it. Just for fun, here's a couple of foreign commercials for the Angry Whopper. The German commercial is one more data point that you should be especially wary of Germans (WWI and WWII are other data points).

Kangaroos Don't Fart

I found this in the New York Times Magazine's year in ideas feature, kangaroos don't fart so they're good for the environment.

Of all the ideas developed to combat the climate crisis, George Wilson of Australian Wildlife Services may have the least intuitive: eating more kangaroos. In a paper published in June by the U.S.-based Society for Conservation Biology, however, he explains that 11 percent of Australia’s total greenhouse-gas emissions come from the methane produced by the rumen of cattle and sheep. “It’s been long known that kangaroos don’t produce methane,” Wilson says, noting that kangaroos’ stomachs have different microorganisms to ferment their food. “I began to speculate, What if we managed the kangaroo population up and the cattle population down?”

Kangaroo is a specialty meat, gamy in taste, that is already available in some restaurants and many grocery stores in Australia. Wilson calculated that if by 2020 the kangaroo population was managed upward from its current 35 million to 175 million — and if Australia could remove 36 million sheep and 7 million cattle from production — the country would see a reduction of 16 megatons of greenhouse-gas emissions, 3 percent of its national total.

I'm telling you right now, the moment I see some 'roo a menu I'm going to be ordering it. I'm thinking of starting a kangaroo farm to take advantage of people who want to eat green but not necessarily only eat greens. For those not interested in being green I could set up some sort of prarie land and allow hunters on the property for a fee so they can shoot their own 'roo. I'm telling ya I'm going to be the kangaroo version of Ted Turner. As an added bonus, I'll bet I'd get a chance to feel inside a kangaroo pouch which is a lifelong dream.

Winter Cheese Dip

Every year when the temperature drops below freezing or when the first snow falls I get hungry for what's called in our house, cheese dip. But, it's not ordinary cheese dip, it is served cold but is blazing hot. Grandma Vard used to make it only in the winter and pour it into any kind of container she had laying around. And it was a big deal when she brought over a batch. My first memory of eating cheese dip, I was eating it out of a Cool Whip bowl while watching Mel Brooks' "To Be or Not To Be" (any time I see Mel Brooks, I also get hungry for cheese dip). I am now the official Vard family cheese dip maker. Every time I go back to Wichita I either bring some with me or my brother makes me make some while I'm at his house.

This is not for the feint of heart, so only make it if you enjoy hot food. It's very simple to make and only takes 4 ingredients; 1 can of stewed tomatoes, a couple of cloves of garlic, Trappey's sport peppers and a brick of Velveeta cheese. Empty the stewed tomatoes, peeled garlic cloves and peppers (make sure you drain all of the vinegar first and use the Trappey's peppers pictured above) into your blender and liquefy them. Verify everything is liquefied, you don't want any chunks of garlic or peppers in your cheese dip. If you want it a little extra hot you can throw in a jalapeno. In my younger days I used to put in a habanero but my o-ring actually developed the ability to talk so it could tell me not to do that anymore. Every instance of me applying salve to my o-ring has been directly correlated to habaneros in cheese dip. When everything is liquefied dump the mixture (it's actually a pretty good salsa) into a big pot and put on a burner at about medium heat. Open up your brick of Velveeta (you must use Velveeta, not some cheap store brand, it's well worth the extra dollar or two) and rip it into little chunks. Add the chunks a couple at a time while stirring (stir continuously or you will get burned cheese at the bottom of your pan) when they melt add some more. You can dip chips into the mixture and eat it while you are melting the cheese, this is the only acceptable time to eat the cheese dip when it's warm. When you've melted all the cheese take the cheese dip off the burner.


I prefer to dump mine into 1 big bowl and eat it from there over the next couple of weeks. But you can split it into smaller portions if you want. The thing is, though, you need to make the decision right then, you can't go splitting up a big bowl after the cheese has cooled (you can but you would be breaking the rules). Dump the cheese dip into the bowl(s) you have selected and let it sit on your counter for about an hour. It will develop a nice crust (pictured below) like a creme brulee. Once it cools down to room temperature you can put a lid on it and put it in the refrigerator. If you don't wait long enough you will get some condensation that can threaten the little crust on top.

Once the cheese dip has been in the refrigerator about 4 hours, it is ready to eat. I actually like to wait until the next day so that it is good and cool, but sometimes you just can't wait. I have a method of eating cheese dip that is a bit manic. I poke a hole in the middle with a chip and continue to eat from that hole as long as I can, it's my version of ice fishing. Also, most people will eat cheese dip with tortilla chips, but I like it best with Wavy Lay's (they're the only potato chip that won't break when you're trying to dip them, cheese dip has a very heavy custardy texture). My father used to eat it with pretzels or crackers if we didn't have any chips, I never tried that, it seemed gross. Also, you should not drink anything while you eat cheese dip, your mouth will become a firepit if a liquid is introduced to it. It's seriously best to just remain thirsty while eating.

I've never known cheese dip to get old or go bad so you don't have to worry about trying to cut the recipe in half. I eat cheese dip in lieu of meals 2-3 times a week during the winter. Stella won't touch it. I've put my sister-in-law on notice because I caught her scooping some out of a bowl and warming it in the microwave before eating it, ruining the cold bowl and the portion she warmed up. You just have to trust that it is better served cold. Cheese dip will definitely improve your winter season and your bowels will never be cleaner.