Friday, February 27, 2009

An Open Letter to the Belcher

This has nothing really to do with Quizno's and is certainly not their fault, it was a customer. I'm going to go ahead and do this in open letter form.
Dear Fat Ugly Bitch In Quizno's,

I'm not sure you know what it's like to lose your appetite, your appearance certainly doesn't lead me to believe you do know. As someone who does lose his appetite on occasion, let me tell you what can cause something like that to happen. The appearance of puke, a bad smell, a dirty brown spotted toilet and someone belching loudly in a restaurant. Unfortunately for me, our paths crossed right when you belched.

I understand that it is a natural process to belch. What I would like to inform you about is manners. It is not acceptable to belch as loudly as you possibly can in a public place, it is also not acceptable to stand up to belch so the table doesn't get in your way. It IS acceptable to say "excuse me" after you belch.

I realize that you've probably spent the past 35 - 60 years of your life (It was difficult for me to determine your age because looking at you after hearing you belch made me throw up in my mouth a little bit) mainlining mayonnaise, shortening and butter and may not be versed in social conventions. I'm sure you've never been bothered by people wishing to speak with you because of your lack of manners. So I write this letter out of kindness to inform you of these things called manners. They can be picked up by watching children's shows or by watching friends (a friend is someone who talks to you and sometimes tells you things such as "you are being rude").

Please, don't be confused, I don't wish to be your friend, I've got a lot on my plate (that is NOT a reference to food so don't get excited) and don't have time to teach you the things my 4 year old daughters know (actually my 1 and a half year old son says "excuse me" after he burps). You should probably start trying to make friends at Hometown Buffet or Ryan's or the Red Balloon or The Stables and work your way up as you attain certain appropriate behaviors.

In the meantime, your takeaways from this letter are, try to belch discreetly, if you are unable to belch discreetly, say "excuse me" afterward. If the belch is heard by numerous people trying to eat, you may want to apologize to anyone who heard it.

It's not that hard to be an acceptable human being and while you have clearly failed at it up until this point, it's not too late to change. I'm rooting for you.


Bull E. Vard

This letter is directed at one particular customer in Quizno's on Johnson Dr. in Mission. But it is applicable to anyone who may have stood up and belched in a Quizno's today. Let's broaden that even more, if you stood up and belched in any restaurant today, this letter has some takeaways for you too.


coreyo said...

I think you should fill out a craigslist missed connection.

m.v. said...

I lived for 22 years before seeing anyone belching and farting in public. You really have to be nasty to disgust anyone here.