Sunday, August 23, 2009

Death by Food: Man v. Donkey

My Saturday evening started off innocently enough. My friend and I met up and made our way to the Flying Saucer for some pre-game drinking. I mentioned my recent spread in Ink magazine and he brought up a big burrito challenge he saw on TV at a place in Raytown. We eventually got to the game late. The Royals gave up an early lead, Sluggerrr cock-blocked us, and we made a fourth inning exit and headed to Fiesta Azteca. Had I known I would be spending my evening trying to insert a 5lb burrito into one of my orifices, I probably would have skipped the 3 beers and hot pretzel, but sometimes you just have to step in and take one for the team.

The main show at Fiesta Azteca is a massive creation known as the El Azteca. It includes pork, chorizo and ground beef along with pico, guac, sour cream, salsa, cheese, rice and beans. When completed, the girthy beast looks something like this...

When you've spent the past two months restricting your food intake and the previous hour eating and drinking, you end up like this...

I started off by pretty much shredding the first half of the burrito for quick consumption. The first bite was delicious. The first quarter was great. Everything beyond that was hatred. I realized there would be no chance of eating the whole thing, so my main focus was finishing the half I cut. In the end, it wasn't so much a question of size, but the make-up of the mush I was eating. Looking at the mash and then shoving it my mouth became too much for my gag reflexes to take. On the extremely likely chance I ever undertake the challenge again, my first two points will be to skip the pre-meal and eat it as close to whole as possible. After admitting defeat, I found out about 30 people have completed the challenge, which nets you the meal for free along with a t-shirt. One man is even said to have done it within 5 minutes.

Somehow I had the stomach for some leftovers this afternoon, since I didn't want to write a review straight off of last night's utter feeling of disgust. The second time around was just as good as I remember those first bites of the challenge. The three different meats provide a good contrast of flavors. As I examined the contents, it also occurred to me that my hatred for sour cream may have played a role in the challenge demise since it was flowing through half the burrito, enhancing the mush factor. I was just delighted that it didn't come with the big scoops on top like you see on Man v. Food.

Even if you're not into the idea of pounding a 5lb burrito, Fiesta Azteca is worth checking out. The guys working inside were awesome. At one point the waiter came over and asked me, "How is the donkey?" I found this especially amusing since I already refer to a burrito at another local establishment as the "horse wang." Most of the reviews on Google say to avoid the menu and just ask for something special from the owner, Andreas. Sounds like a good way to get some authentic Mexican food in an unexpected KC suburb.

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