Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Domino's Diet

You ever have a really great idea, look forward to implementing it and then having it ruin your life? And no, I'm not talking about getting married and having kids. Well it happened to me and you probably already read what Chimpo had to say about it.

I had an idea to have a pizza party taste test to see which of the new Domino's regional pizzas was the best (there was another component to this idea that may implemented in the future, it can't go any worse). I hadn't had Domino's pizza in years, probably when I was in college. I think it's safe to say I will never have Domino's again.

Owen from Fat City helped us out on this one by purchasing all of the food and giving us access to the Pitch offices to eat. Owen decided not to get more than one of the pizzas and added in the penne and cheese bread bowl. Had I been carrying a shiv, I would have shivved him in the upper thigh. I knew I was in trouble when the very sight of the bread bowl made me gag. I had Owen place a trash can near me in case it was needed.

I waded into the water and tried the Memphis barbecue pizza chicken first thinking how bad could the pizza be. It was the best part of the meal which is the only positive thing I can say about it. The chicken on the pizza tasted like the chicken that died for this pizza spent his life smoking cigarettes and getting punched. I couldn't even chew it. As Owen and I were throwing pieces of semi chewed pizza in the trash can one of the other Pitch employees asked us if food reviewers regularly spit the food out so they can eat more. We both replied that we do only when the food is repulsive. I thought I could eat the whole piece if I picked the chicken off. I gave it a valiant effort but about halfway in I had to toss the rest. I think I maybe swallowed one bite.

I then jumped into the deep end and tried the penne and cheese bread bowl. How bad could penne and cheese be you ask? Pretty goddamned bad. The pasta was flavorless and the cheese was revolting. The bread was basically covered in garlic salt and I've enjoyed licking a salt lick more than I enjoyed eating that bread. I lasted one bite.

So, we had one pizza and one bread bowl and six people. We had about 1/2 of the bread bowl and 3 pieces of pizza left when we were done. If each of us were to rate the meal on a scale of 1-10, the cumulative total probably wouldn't break double figures.

I didn't know how to feel about this, I was confused, bewildered, scared, nauseous and angry. You ever watch America's Funniest Home Videos (AFV, for those of us in the know)? There's always a clip of some dummy falling on an entertainment center or table or shed and breaking it and to most people it's kind of funny. But, to me, in my head, I'm thinking these people have to go out and buy a new entertainment center or table or shed. I wonder where they'll get the money, it doesn't look like they can afford it. It's one of the few things I haven't been able to shake from growing up, where if we broke something in the house, we just did without that item. So after eating that bread bowl I was thinking about some poor family that doesn't get to eat out or have restaurant food very often. I thought about them ordering this and having to throw it away because it was just awful. It makes me feel bad just knowing that that happens. I'm just amazed that Domino's would even serve the bread bowl, it's not subjectively bad, it's objectively bad. I don't think it's possible that someone could enjoy it.

But there is a silver lining in that cloud. After eating the penne and cheese bread bowl, I've been unable to eat anything. I've almost vomited 4 or 5 times thinking about it. Nothing sounds good to eat. Seeing food makes me nauseous. I'm absolutely starving, but I don't envision me eating anytime soon. I'm going to lose 10 pounds out of this deal. I just hope I can drive home without passing out.


Nuke said...

Thanks for trying this, so that I know if anybody ever suggests getting one that I should throat-punch them and run away.

Oh, and you win for best internet line of the day with "The chicken on the pizza tasted like the chicken that died for this pizza spent his life smoking cigarettes and getting punched" There's no prize, but you win.

Erin said...

Congrats on writing the most stomach and heart wrenching food review ever.

Also for ruining AFV for me.

Chimpotle said...

You captured everything well except for the idea that a poor family would order this to share. These bad boys are totally single-serve. Anyone insane enough to want to eat this is going to polish it off themselves.

The fact that everyone was gang-banging the pasta with their forks may have contributed to my stomach issues.

Owen said...

Funny story. As I was writing my version yesterday, I seemed to recall a comment from somebody on Fat City about not even acknowledging that the bread bowl existed. Turned out it was you! So sorry about making you go through that. It was indeed life-altering.

JJSKCK said...

Holy shit. Nothing better than 3 funny people writing funny stuff about something whose mere existence is laughable. I'm literally LOLing, and I really needed that today.


Bull E. Vard said...

Just as an aside, I had a meeting over lunch today where we brought our own lunch. I was eating a foot long Subway sub (the least revolting thing I could think of). The lady who sat next to me had something in the chopped meat category, I couldn't look at it. She started talking about how gross it was and glad that she left off the peas. I only got six inches of the sub eaten and gagged twice.

Nuke, if I was just going to write about the pizza I was going to call the post Keith Richards cock, because the chicken tasted like it was the Keith Richards of chicken.

Erin, sorry to ruin AFV for you, but I think many people think the way I do in regards to broken furniture.

Chimpo, there is no way I would try to eat one of those by myself. We might get 2 for the whole family, I should have made that more clear.

Owen, fuck you.

JJ, I'm glad we could make you laugh. I was sorry to read about your friend.

m.v. said...

Remember when I was bitching about fake reviews; this review is 100% coming from the gut,it's in my blog circle of trust

Greer said...

Sounds like you had a real open mind...