Death By Food: Cheddar's Edition

I hope you're happy smh. Cheddar's officially opened on Monday, December 14, and I was there on Tuesday. I packed up the family. I drove down the street. I took the first step towards the end of my life by eating the "Cheddar's favorite" Monte Cristo.


2 kinds of meat. 2 kinds of cheese. Battered & fried. Served with powdered sugar and raspberry preserves. It's no wonder that I fit comfortably into a standard Cheddar's booth if that is a favorite item of the normal Cheddar's customer. IT'S A MEAT FUNNEL CAKE WITH DIPPING JAM. I think my wife was actually concerned for my life.

It was good, but I could never eat one again. I was fine with it after the first corner. The second corner had me at full capacity. Corners three and four were an act of self-hate. I would compare it to a night of drinking shots, and you end up throwing up and can never go back to that liquor again. The only good thing that came out of the evening was that I was so full that I had no desire to eat my fries, which were horrendous. Easily in the top five worst fries I've had in my life. I would rather eat Burger King fries.

As for my take on Cheddar's as a whole, it's OK. It looks like Houlihan's and tastes like Applebee's. Actually, it may taste better than Applebee's, but only because Cheddar's likely uses twice the fat content in their food. Prices seem pretty cheap, with only a couple steaks slipping over the $10 mark. Due to the quality of their fries and my wife's red beans & rice looking so bad I declined to taste them, you should definitely do yourself a favor and opt for a fresh vegetable side to help offset the lard injection from your entree. If someone wanted to eat near my house, I would go back. But that is more of a statement against TGI Friday's, Applebee's Outback, Mimi's, etc than in favor of Cheddar's.

Death by Food: Man v. Donkey

My Saturday evening started off innocently enough. My friend and I met up and made our way to the Flying Saucer for some pre-game drinking. I mentioned my recent spread in Ink magazine and he brought up a big burrito challenge he saw on TV at a place in Raytown. We eventually got to the game late. The Royals gave up an early lead, Sluggerrr cock-blocked us, and we made a fourth inning exit and headed to Fiesta Azteca. Had I known I would be spending my evening trying to insert a 5lb burrito into one of my orifices, I probably would have skipped the 3 beers and hot pretzel, but sometimes you just have to step in and take one for the team.

The main show at Fiesta Azteca is a massive creation known as the El Azteca. It includes pork, chorizo and ground beef along with pico, guac, sour cream, salsa, cheese, rice and beans. When completed, the girthy beast looks something like this...


When you've spent the past two months restricting your food intake and the previous hour eating and drinking, you end up like this...


I started off by pretty much shredding the first half of the burrito for quick consumption. The first bite was delicious. The first quarter was great. Everything beyond that was hatred. I realized there would be no chance of eating the whole thing, so my main focus was finishing the half I cut. In the end, it wasn't so much a question of size, but the make-up of the mush I was eating. Looking at the mash and then shoving it my mouth became too much for my gag reflexes to take. On the extremely likely chance I ever undertake the challenge again, my first two points will be to skip the pre-meal and eat it as close to whole as possible. After admitting defeat, I found out about 30 people have completed the challenge, which nets you the meal for free along with a t-shirt. One man is even said to have done it within 5 minutes.

Somehow I had the stomach for some leftovers this afternoon, since I didn't want to write a review straight off of last night's utter feeling of disgust. The second time around was just as good as I remember those first bites of the challenge. The three different meats provide a good contrast of flavors. As I examined the contents, it also occurred to me that my hatred for sour cream may have played a role in the challenge demise since it was flowing through half the burrito, enhancing the mush factor. I was just delighted that it didn't come with the big scoops on top like you see on Man v. Food.

Even if you're not into the idea of pounding a 5lb burrito, Fiesta Azteca is worth checking out. The guys working inside were awesome. At one point the waiter came over and asked me, "How is the donkey?" I found this especially amusing since I already refer to a burrito at another local establishment as the "horse wang." Most of the reviews on Google say to avoid the menu and just ask for something special from the owner, Andreas. Sounds like a good way to get some authentic Mexican food in an unexpected KC suburb.

Death by Food: Longboards Chuck Norris

I'll just go ahead and declare myself a whore for Longboards. It's been one of the few perks of having a job north of the river. The specialize mostly in California wraps, which basically seem to be Asian themed Chipotle-ish burritos. I usually either go for the Pork Luaua if I want something sweet or the Wow! Kung Pao for a kick of heat. That was until I discovered the Cabo Dog aka Chuck Norris...

Please forgive the crappy camera phone picture

When I had this the first time a few months back, it was called the Cabo Dog. Then they ran out of hot dogs. When I went in today, I saw it on the special menu re-branded as the Chuck Norris. Not only is the new name epic, you can choose to either go with the Ranger Chuck (chipotle ranch) or Delta Force (barbecue sauce). From what I remember, the Chuck Norris includes: a whole hot dog, chili, Fritos, rice, guac, jalapenos and I want to say there is some salsa, cheese and sour cream in there as well. Basically, it's all my culinary dreams wrapped into a tortilla and grilled on a panani machine.

Ballpark, I would say it is about 9 to 10" long. Cutting it in half still constitues more than you should eat in one meal. It's a beast. A delicious, spicy, Frito-pie-filled, encased meat beast of a wrap. If I went on dates with food, Chuck Norris would get to home plate on the first. The name of this wrap is pretty fitting, because I'm not sure who is going to be able to kick Chuck Norris's ass for the top spot in KC foods that will kill you.

Death by Food: Clarette Club Reuben Rolls

Death by Food is a running list of the top ten edible items in Kansas City that may possibly kill you during consumption. The higher the ranking, the more likely you should throw caution to the wind.

The Clarette Club is a bar and game hall located at 5400 Martway St. in Mission, KS. I would never recommend actually going here with the sole purpose of eating. Do you want to play some pool? Awesome place. Want to drink some cheap beer? Go for it. Thinking about cruising by for dinner? Think again.

My first and only trip to the Clarette came during the Mission Twittical Pub Crawl. Clarette was the second to last stop, and an afternoon of heavy drinking coupled with a new found interest in food exploration had me willing to go half on an order of Reuben Rolls. For those not in the know, a Reuben is a sandwich comprised of corned beef, Swiss cheese, sauerkraut and dressing on rye bread. It might look like the monstrosity to the right. Before Mission Twittical, I had successfully avoided putting any food-related item named Reuben into my mouth.

The Reuben Rolls at the Clarette Club look like this:


My first guess would be deep-fried, microwave burritos. The thought of eating a Reuben in this form made it more palatable in my drunken state. I avoided the dressing and went straight for a half of a roll. It was sort of like the child who grabs onto the side of a hot barbecue grill without considering that it might be dangerous. A hot lava tasting like Swiss cheese erupted into my mouth. The burning sensation and fried tortilla goodness really aided in helping me ignore the fact I was eating corned beef. I don't recall any sauerkraut flavor notes, which was probably for the best. I'm tempted to say they weren't half bad, but there is no way I would ever eat them while sober. But if you happen to love Reubens and cheap beer while playing a game of pool, I suggest you head down to Mission ASAP.

In summary, we have a deep-fried tortilla filled with cheese and meat accompanied with a side of Thousand Island. If that's not a enough for you, be sure to quickly dive in for a chance at second degree burns to your mouth and throat. Twice the death still isn't enough to get around the Gut Bomb, and these Reuben Rolls will enter at number two.

Death by Food: The Gaf's Irish Gut Bomb

Death by Food is a running list of the top ten edible items in Kansas City that may possibly kill you during consumption. The higher the rating, the more likely you should throw caution to the wind.

Back in early February, Bull E. Vard watched an episode of No Reservations and got a hard on for a sandwich in Chicago called the Three Little Pigs. Aaron from BBQ Addicts was kind enough to point him towards a sandwich of possible equal magnitude right here in KC at the Gaf. Here is the menu exert for the Irish Gut Bomb:

A HUGE hand breaded pork tenderloin topped with onion rings, smoked bacon, cheddar, lettuce, tomato, red onion, 2 fried eggs, & Jameson BBQ Sauce

Sounds delicious. Despite a near egjaculation experience at ChefBurger, I was graciously invited to share in this journey of over-consumption and indigestion. The challenge we were met with looked something like this...

I took the top down for this photo, and since it may be hard to determine, the anatomy from bottom up is tenderloin, egg, cheese, bacon, onion ring. The first mistake in eating this was likely not ordering a beer to go with it. I also have to question the use of both onion rings and red onion. But what really killed this sandwich for me was the application of barbecue sauce.

Barbecue sauce in and of itself is a wonderful thing. I love it when used during cooking or to spice up something that is smoked/grilled yet lacking in flavor. Barbecue sauce used as a condiment like mustard is the quickest way to ruin a sandwich. It just takes the sandwich in a place it wasn't going before.

In honor of St Patrick's Day though, the Gaf's Irish Gut Bomb will assume the number one spot in the top ten KC foods that can kill you. Three fried items (two of them battered) plus cheese and bacon equals out to a true gut bomb. I don't think Bull even ate the second half of his, which could either speak to the sandwich itself or the width of my ass. Probably both.