Onward Communism

The darkness has descended
Everything is bleak
Depression has set in
The restaurant on a hill
Sucks your will to live
Oh the despair
Of the stark interior
A Russian novel 
Has Nothing on the China Star

I went to the China Star (9421 Metcalf, Overland Park) while I was waiting on a new windshield installation just down the street. I had time to kill so I figured a little walk and a leisurely buffet would serve me well. Unfortunately this place put me in a funk for nearly a week.

The interior is so bland and cold that it almost literally takes your breath away. It might remind someone of a restaurant in an Alexander Payne movie. I could just see Schmidt sitting in there eating moo shoo  pork the week after his wife died. I wish I were joking, but that's what I was thinking of the entire time I was eating.

I can't really say anything bad about the food. I mean if you subscribe to the food is fuel argument then I was definitely refueled, but it was like putting 87 octane in a racecar. All the dishes tasted the same, it seemed kind of silly to get different things. By my third trip to the buffet I just grabbed a half plate of the food closest to my table. It wasn't worth the effort to get something labeled differently. All that being said, the food wasn't awful. I could chew it and swallow it and it had some flavor and that flavor was mildly pleasant.

While I was in there I saw the counter lady from the windshield place that helped me. When I got back to pick up my car we talked about our experience and our need for a Prozac prescription. I truly feel that she is my sister now. When you share an experience like eating at China Star, the bond is strong and can probably never be broken.

Foods I Don't Get: Hummus

What's up with hummus? It seems that a certain segment of our society has gone gaga over hummus and I don't get it. It's ground beans. That's all it is. I don't recall ever hearing anyone say "you know what you've got to try? Refried beans". Couldn't we call that hummus? Or is hummus limited to the stylings of the garbanzo?

Look, I'm not bagging on hummus, it's fine. That's all it is. I go to the table at Whole Foods where Yummy is selling his various hummus varieties and I partake. I like the pita chip, it's really more of a toast though isn't it? Now I feel like Affleck in Armageddon debating the merits of a cracker and cookie. But if it's pita bread, wouldn't a baked version be toast? I think so. We should be calling them pita toasts, not chips. Oops, got off topic there. Anyway, I've had hummus more times than I can count and I just don't understand the hubbub.

Is it because hummus is foreign and it gives user a euphoria that they're better than anyone else because they "love" a foreign product. This same euphoria has been seen in the past in users of Corona, Heineken and Bass. Those products aren't better than other beers because they're foreign. I don't even think the evidence suggests those products are popular in their home countries, they just had good marketing in the US. I think hummus is the same way. It just has good marketing, it can only be found in more upscale establishments, yet not many ethnic ones.

Again, I don't hate hummus. I think it's fine. I just don't know what the difference is between hummus and Frito Lay bean dip. I think in a blind taste test where I laid out 2 varieties of hummus, a can of Old El Paso refried beans and a can of bean dip, you'd be hard pressed to tell me which is which. Is the garbanzo really that much of a superior bean to the pinto?

I know that hummus can incorporate other nice ingredients like pine nuts, red peppers, paprika etc. And I am sure that that I could find a hummus that I love. But, honestly, it seems like a whole bunch of work eating a bunch of hummus, something that is, at best, a good appetizer. I'm sure that you've had a really great hummus and it opened your mind to it. If I'd have had that hummus I'd feel about it the way that you do. But, in the end, 95% of all hummus is glorified refried beans. You can go on and on about how great hummus is and if you do, and you come to my house, I'm going to serve you some Taco Bell pintos and cheese and call it hummus, you'll never know the difference.

On Popcorn

I love popcorn. I love, love, love it. I eat it 3 or 4 times a week and it's my favorite snack.

When I was a kid popcorn was one of the few snacks we had around (the other was chips and salsa which I also ate copious amounts of). My mom would make a batch using the old Stir Crazy popper or the Hot Air popper and everyone had a bowl. The popcorn was usually just salted in those days. Every once in a while some tub margarine was added or parmesan cheese. My dad used take his bowl and add some garlic salt to it. Garlic salt on popcorn is absolutely wonderful. We had popcorn at least 2 or 3 times a week. The only time we didn't have any was around Christmas because we always had dentist appointments on December 27th or 28th because my dad was off work from Christmas until the new year and we were, of course, out of school.

When I was 16 I got a job at a movie theater. I'm not tooting my own horn here, but I made the best movie theater popcorn in Wichita. I had all the tools necessary, a 30 year old popper that added flavor even without the coconut oil, an understanding of the basics of popcorn and Flavocol. Any fool can make popcorn in a movie theater. The popper squirts the correct amount of oil in and the popcorn scoop is the size of the amount of popcorn you should add and you add a tablespoon of Flavocol (which is just butter flavored salt, but may as well be crack to moviegoers). But, I took things further, I filled the popcorn scoop only 2/3rds full and doubled the Flavocol, that way each popcorn kernel got more coconut oil and more Flavocol. My popcorn was simply wonderful.

I ate so much movie theater popcorn from the time I was 16 until the time I left the movie theater around age 19 that to this day, I don't eat movie theater popcorn. Ever since they stopped using coconut oil the popcorn just isn't as good and I don't like popcorn that has been sitting around. I will only eat it if it comes straight from the popper. While I worked at the theater I picked up a couple of specific tastes for popcorn. First, I lived the dream, I used to squirt a bunch of the fake butter stuff into a cup which I had cut off the top 3/4ths of so I could use it as a dip cup. I would then dip each individual piece of popcorn into the hot fake butter and eat it. Sometimes I would add Flavocol to the popcorn I was eating meaning I was eating popcorn with 3 times the amount of Flavocol prescribed in Flavocol's own instructions. You'll never eat anything as wonderful as my popcorn with each kernel individually dipped. It's a good thing I weighed 95 lbs. at the time or I might have had a heart attack on the spot. Since we only had one theater at my movie theater, we always had a bunch of time to eat popcorn in this way.

The other flavor I learned to love was popcorn with whiskey and rum. On Thursday nights we had drunk movies for the employees. We had to build the new movie starting on Friday and watch it around midnight after the last public movie of the night. We had to make sure the movie was built right so the Friday matinee crowd didn't see an upside down and backwards reel (I'll always remember watching "Another 48 Hours" backwards and there's not much more funny than listening to Eddie Murphy speak backwards). So all the employees came and we drank either Seagram's 7, Seagram's VO or Ron Bacardi Black with Coke or 7-Up and we ate popcorn. To this day, if I have a whiskey or rum drink (which is rare), I want popcorn with it.

Since then, I've always had a Whirly Pop. If you're eating microwave popcorn, you're doing it wrong (and odds are, I hate you). You must go buy a Whirly Pop or at least use a heavy bottomed skillet which you have to shake the entire time. The Whirly Pop is the way to go, it's much easier to turn the little crank than shake a whole heavy pan. The only downside is I've eaten so much popcorn that I've gone through 3 or 4 Whirly Pops. The Whirly Pop is always, always, on my stove top. It just doesn't make sense to put it away.

I eat my usually eat my popcorn nowadays with just salt and butter. That's the only way Stella eats it. If she's not going to eat some I have many flavors I go with depending on my mood. Parmesan garlic is just garlic salt and parmesan cheese and I have it when I'm a little more hungry or if I'm drinking wine. Greek is just Greek seasoning. I got a little shaker of White Cheddar for Christmas and it's become quite popular when I have beer tastings at the house. Then there's the old standby of garlic salt which is just buttered popcorn with garlic.

Through the years I've used olive oil instead of butter sometimes and it adds a little more gourmet flavor. Sometimes I pop the popcorn in olive oil instead of vegetable or canola oil. It adds a little richer flavor. I have a shaker of Kraft macaroni and cheese orange cheese that is good. We've done a brown butter one, the burnt butter adds a nutty flavor to the popcorn. I've tried adding chili powder when I add the popcorn to the Whirly Pop and it comes out with a nice little spicy coating. A friend of mine used to put Lawry's seasoning on his popcorn and that's pretty good too, I don't like doing it because it doesn't stick that great to the popcorn so you end up using a whole bunch and most of it ends up in the bottom of your bowl (he got around that by sprinkling the Lawry's on each handful of popcorn, he's skinny too). Basically, I've tried everything I could think of through the years, virtually anything tastes good on popcorn. I even gross Stella out by eating a couple handfuls before we add anything to the popcorn, I love it plain too.

Then last night I came across the next frontier of popcorn, popping it in bacon fat. I couldn't wait until the kids went to bed so I could try it. I always save our bacon fat for some unconventional frying (it's great in jambalaya). I popped up a batch and seasoned with just butter and salt. The bacon flavor isn't overpowering, but is somewhat evident. Each piece has a slight smoky, salty flavor. I'll have to toy with it this week to get my other seasonings right, but my days of using canola oil to pop popcorn may well be over. I also found some new toppings to try, herbes de provence will be next experiment.